Steamboat Springs

My dog can rock climb apparently.

We had a busy weekend, at the lake on Friday afternoon, where we swam with Scott's coworkers and then BBQ'd.  Z impressed us all by climbing a nearly vertical rock slab by herself.  Scott didn't drown, and I managed to not fall off a cliff.

Saturday brought us three on a drive to Steamboat, after a detour from Larimer Sheriff's to Wyoming (thanks guys).  "I think we're too far north..."
Scott:"What makes you say that?"
Me: "We just hit Wyoming.  Don't think Colorado 14 will be here."
Scott: "Good thing I like driving..."

We hiked up to Fish Creek Falls, and then walked around downtown, where we stopped for dinner at a Mexican joint called Tequila's.  They had AMAZING food; I stayed simple with an enchilada, Ziva had water, and Scott got a pork burrito with chili verde.  Great staff, and a fun birthday song for the table next to us.  Ziva made friends with a little girl, with Shirley Temple curls.  I am so very lucky I have a dog who loves kids.  Her tail was wagging the entire time, and she gave the shy little girl a kiss to boot.

The drive through North Park was beautiful.  I had never taken this route before, and since Scott is originally from Wisconsin, neither had he.  We had fun finding radio stations in the hills while we followed the Poudre to its headwaters.  The mountains are still so snowy, and SO WET.  The ground is literally just dripping water off of every edge and culvert possible.  In many places along the hiking trail, there was just a trickle of water.

The falls were still so full:

A few from our trip.  He likes Ziva, and didn't mind her being in his car.  She behaved very well except for pulling me down the mountain at a fast run!

Our favorite picture of her:

OH HIIIIIII!!!

Sunday, we joined Melissa and Brandon again at Real Faith for a BBQ, sermon, and sports afterward.  Scott was wonderful for going with me, and Brandon gave an amazing speech about selfishness and pride and how we avoid conflict with other, or cause it too, based on this.  Real Faith is a wonderfully inclusive community based on a love for God and hope to be close to Him, not so much on duties to the church.  It's a group brought together by a shared desire, rather than a need to convert or pressure or preach.  Just to love totally, which I enjoy.

It's been an amazing time this last month.

Arizona in less than two weeks :) School in about 4 weeks; I already have my school supplies and backpack set up; just waiting on a textbook list.  This summer has flown by! 

More music

Eli Young Band, "Crazy Girl": interesting video, but I love this song.  Can I get a stand-up man who means what he says when he says he'll be there for me? http://youtu.be/J3HwFtdVTfM

Kellie Pickler, "Tough" because let's face it, that's what I am.  What all the women in my family are. http://youtu.be/cHG0jnX17kU

Rough day of thoughts, but I'm at my folks' place doing laundry, getting my books, and importing every country album they own onto my computer.  I'm going out with Varinia later, whom I haven't seen since December.

BBQ dinner with Matt last night.  I am so blessed to have him as my best friend; he's been with me for so many years now, and we get each other through so very much.  He's the guy who locks himself inside of cars, does stupid shenanigans that worry me, but I love because of that.  For all of what he is, and who he is, and for the fact that he loves me.

Payday and airplane ticket tomorrow!! 

Summertime and the music's on the way

With the installation of my car stereo in May, I've been able to listen to all the new summer releases on our local country stations, and I'm pretty impressed with a lot of the songs.

Darius Rucker's new one, "I've got nothing," is one of my favorites right now.  Who would've thought the frontman for Hootie and The Blowfish would've had so much success as a country singer?  He does, though, and he is probably one of the best transition artists I've heard in a long time (Kid Rock, take note).

As a lover of all things Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood, their new duet tickles me pink.  "Remind Me" captures the beginning of a relationship, that passion that we forget when we get so comfortable around someone, or maybe that passion that you used to have with that one who got away.  Actually, Brad has a couple singles playing right now, including "Old Alabama", a duet with Alabama that really showcases his writing and musical arrangement talents.  Brad Paisley has always been so unique in his writing and guitar work, it's nice when a song of his brings that to the forefront when so many other artists are losing their signatures.

George Strait, "Here for a Good Time," album release set for the end of the year...need I say more? It's George Strait.  It's me. I actually refuse to dance with anyone at the bar when a George Strait song comes on, and tell my boyfriends that George is off limits unless they mean it (only one has EVER played me George Strait.  Ever.) I don't mess around with my King George over here. (OK, maybe I'm a little type-A about this)

"Honey Bee" by Blake Shelton and Ronnie Dunn's new singles round out the big names so far this season.  I love Blake, but something about Ronnie Dunn has always rubbed me wrong, even as a part of Brooks and Dunn.  His new singles are great for a fan though, and he definitely has the talent to have a successful solo career.

Some of the recent talent such as Jason Aldean, Jake Owen, and The Band Perry have some new singles out.  Jason Aldean's has a weird hick-rap segment in it that ruins an otherwise great song for me, Owen's "Barefoot Blue Jean Night" is being SO overplayed up here that it's getting old, and the Band Perry delivers greatly with "The Way You Lie."  Maybe it's just the fact that their first single was an extended reference to one of my favorite poems, The Lady of Shallot by Tennyson, that made me fall in love with them, but I love the lead (Kimberly) vocals: in a world dominated by high sopranos, a husky southern voice is amazingly refreshing.

And of course, with the Greeley Stampede and Cheyenne Frontier Days in progress and on the horizon, a lot of old favorites are coming back on the radio.  A lot of Kenny Chesney (including a wonderful new duet with Grace Potter), Clint Black, Garth Brooks, Merle, and Shania have made it a good season for country music radio so far...

Oh, and Luke Bryan's new one, "Country Girl"...country meets club like in HonkyTonk Badonkadonk (voted my anthem by my friends?) makes you want to get up on the truck and shake what you've got.  Or have an overabundance of.  http://youtu.be/7HX4SfnVlP4

And of course, the song that makes me tear up every time I hear it, Scotty McCreery, proving once again that America's Idol is a country star: http://youtu.be/IzlkfTHvBow

So maybe I haven't totally given up on love since I'm crying to this song, and to Darius Rucker's and the Paisley/Underwood duet, cursing Currington's "Love Done Gone", and sniffling to Lady A's "A Kiss Goodnight".  Yet, for the first time in my life, I can look forward 10 years and I don't see myself married.  I didn't see myself having a boyfriend.  I see me coming home to my Ziva, throwing off my office clothes and slipping into my running shoes and shorts.  I see a career and weekends given over to the Reserve.  I was never the little girl to plan out my wedding, but it's still weird not seeing that endpoint when I look at my future...and I'm strangely OK with that.

DD'ing for my over 21's for Tea's birthday at the Sundance tomorrow, and Friday night again.  Ziva and I used my George Foreman grill to have hotdogs between my work shifts today for the fourth, and ran during all the fireworks (LOVED running to that!).  Miss Ziva was such a good girl in the crowds and didn't flinch once with the explosions.  Or people whistling/yelling at the runner...or barking at Ziva, courtesy a very drunk lady.  Bite me, it's 95 out and I'm a shiftworker so I don't get to run at normal hours bucko's.

Denver-bound for Wednesday and Thursday, heading down right after I pick up Z after the Sundance so I can get her to Mom and Dad's and get me across town to my Dr. by 10am.

Quasi-ready for school to start already.  My mind needs deadlines.

Hello July

Where did June go?

Short answer: lots of work, a few days in Denver, runs and walks with Miss Ziva, and a failed relationship.

Everything reaffirms my belief that communication and honesty are some of the most important, yet rarest, things in a relationship.  Being there for someone, even when it means stepping back and expressing YOUR needs is important.  And anything you want should be worth fighting until your last breath for.

 I don't think I'll find anyone who thinks I'm worth the effort for a long time.  I'm stubborn and I know what I want, and I won't settle for less or to be treated like I'm not a good person.

I'm still having some problems sleeping and eating and keeping a regular schedule, but it's summer...there is no such thing as a normal schedule!  Some nights I'm in before dark and cuddling with Ziva, but others I'm watching movies or chatting with friends until 3am.  We've been going to the Sundance Saloon weekly for the last month and it is absolutely a blast.  I finally get to dance!

Miss Ziva is currently sleeping after our 6 mile run/walk.  On days like today where I work 12 hours unexpectedly, I like to take her out for a really long trip to relax us both.  Me from work, her from being in her kennel all day. 

We end up going through the Old Town area, mostly because there are always a lot of people and police officers no matter what the hour or weather is.  For a single gal and pup running, this is definitely a HUGE relief.  Ziva has a light on her leash for our night runs, and I always carry a phone and have a check in time arranged with someone.

We had a fox run with us the other evening, for over a mile, just a few feet behind.  He was very friendly, and very bold to be so close, but Ziva thinks everyone is her friend and wasn't aggressive or nervous at all.  We let him follow us until the main road, when I shooed our new friend back to the grass.

July is going to be full of work, runs with Ziva, dancing, and a few birthday events for a few friends...all to save up for my trip to see Brian in Arizona in August!  I'm so excited!

"So if I go left on 136th, it'll take me all the way to the interwebz?....INTERSTATE I mean."

We don't have cable at our house; none of us are home consistently enough to catch any of the shows we watch as they air, nor am I around to watch any news but CNN or FOX (Heaven help me.)

My roommates have had Netflix for as long as I've known them: instant online streaming and DVDs by mail.
So I decided to start. A free month trial, after that, $10 a month for unlimited movies and internet access.  Uhm, yes?!



So my old homework time has been replaced by movies and the TV show Scrubs.

Best part?  They have every season.  And EVERY season of NCIS.  AND SO MANY MOVIES.

So hello new social life!  I haven't been out with my friends as much because I usually work past when they have plans.  Ziva and I go walk, then we cuddle up and watch some flicks.

Dea and I went to Heather's graduation party last night.  I'm going to miss her so much, but her job with Metcalf Archeology (way to go!!) will keep her 9 days in the field and 5 days out.  She may be our guest some of those days.
While in Thornton, we all went to Krispy Kreme, which is my secret (ahem) addiction.  I came home with 3 dozen donuts, and we brought Dea into the religion of the Glazed.

While giving Dea directions back to I-25, the culture of LOLCats was observed in the interwebz, which the TomTom GPS corrected us as "motorway".  INTERSTATE.

We had some talks about our past relationships, the situation we're in now, and the whole she-bang.  How first and foremost, I need to work on myself.  I don't need someone to love me to love myself.  That's the only way I'll ever fix what happened.

I really enjoyed this quote from Scrubs' Dr. Cox character:

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line is: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."


 I'm usually the one who stands up.  I'm usually the one who won't be taken down.  And soon, with some work and a whole lot of luck, I'll say something.  God will help me through all of this, and give me the strength I need to stand up and speak.

Goals

It's the end of another semester.  In seven months, I will be done with a lease, and unsure of my future.

So that part isn't new at all.

What is new is that I can no longer afford my school.  So that gives me a few options, transfer to Metro State, which is cheaper, take a semester off to save, get a private loan with huge interest rates...either way, it's all debt and more time for my degree.

I lose close to a year's worth of credits because of my specialty classes for my journalism and upper division classes if I transfer unfortunately.

Looking at the facts, I'm looking to moving up my enlistment to next year, preferably next spring.  I have carefully been considering enlisting for over a year, and I'm meeting with both Army and Air Force reserve representatives.  The gist is after Basic and Advanced training, I would come home and serve a weekend a month plus two weeks a year, working around a school schedule.  They will then be paying for school, as well as covering a portion to all of my loans.  I will receive job training in Advanced training (I'm looking to go in for a position among the branch's journalism crews), health benefits, and pay for my services.

The job experience alone will be invaluable, but the lack of worry about paying for school, the monthly pay to help with rent, and feeling of commitment and service are great benefits.  It's a direction, a purpose.

I'd have to be without my little girl for the duration of training, but I'll be able to come back stronger for my pup.  Let's face it, this dog is like my child, and I'm doing the things to best help our life together.  She's the only one who sticks around for me, and I'm going to provide for us.

Basically nothing is set in stone yet (is it ever?) but there's at least a direction.  I like directions.
I like goals too.  I have them.

Strength is a family trait.  The strength to make tough choices, to carry on when our world crashes down.  In the last 6 weeks, we've bounced from disaster to pain to hell.  The stress being stalked and harassed gave me ruined a large portion of my life.  I could barely get out of bed most days, scared out of my mind that this would be the day he followed me home, depressed that this was my reality.  I was upset all the time, but hellbent on not letting this piece of trash win.
In the end, he did.  The effects on me made me unbearable, and I lost the man I was falling in love with.  I am not proud of this; I'm devastated that I let this happen. 

At the same time, this may be for the best.  I need a man as strong as I am, as able to cope as my Dad and Mom, my Grammie and Grandpa.  I need someone who will give me themselves as much as I give myself to them.  If Arick can be that man for me, then he will be.  If not, I don't blame him.  Loving a woman like me is a hard thing to do.

Someday, someone will think I'm worth it.  Until then, I have the most amazing family, friends, and dog I could have ever asked for.  They challenge me and support me, love me unconditionally, and sometimes hold me when all I can do is cry. (Matt, Heather, Rachel, Dea, Melissa, Joey...you are amazing)

I guess what I'm saying is God will guide me and my life.  I have goals, and I'm getting good at picking myself up off the floor and holding fast to my values.

I'll make a good soldier, a good citizen, a good daughter, friend, and maybe lover someday.

I will make my mark.  And I will make you proud.

New Musical Obsession(s)

I'm falling in love.

With a new type of music I'm normally not into.

Soft, pop-but not.  Sara Bareilles, Colbie Caillat, Leona Lewis, etc.  These gals are powerfully voiced singers, who don't sell their bodies right along with their music.  Catchy lyrics, soulful meanings, and great accompaniment are all part of what attracts me to them.  Their lyrics are pretty meaningful, personally, from all three artists.

Sara Bareilles's "King of Anything"

 

Colbie Caillat's "I Do"

They're moderately uplifting, and are great for taking the edge off of a finicky mood.

Midterms week and straddling paychecks post rent/bills after a low paycheck (my hours are back up though!) plus a threatening message are greeeeat for the stress levels, let me tell ya.

 But you know...these kind of help.

Ay carumba.

It's been a LONG February so far.  Time is flying but it's sticking in the oddest ways.

Work's been slow, and our hours are getting cut, so everything I had started to get into place kind of fell apart.  I'm looking for a second job to help out.  (Financial security is impossible with a variable income)

Ziva has been a total mommy's girl lately. We had a scare with an aggressive German Shepard last week, and she's been more apt to not let me out of her sight since.  She did successfully meet two new friends (Fang, Arick's pug, and Bors, our friend Scotty's boxer) and have a dog park visit though.  (When my baby's in danger, I can take down a large dog with one hand)

I'm restless and out of sync right now, and I don't know why.  I've decided to set a weekly schedule, since mine is usually variable, and check it off as I go so that I can get back into my groove.  Work and the related money stress has really thrown me down, but thankfully there are so many upsides to my life that it isn't a big deal.

I absolutely failed in my resolution not to date.  Failed miserably.  He picked me up at 9, we went for ice cream, he met Ziva.  I met his friends and his dog.  He was sweet, called instead of texted to set up a date after I gave him my number.  Quick jump into a relationship, we're figuring it out as we go along.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm learning from my past and being more reserved than I have been in the past.  I'm holding onto myself a lot more, because I know I don't need a relationship.  I don't need a man.  I have my Ziva, my wonderful friends, and I'm strong.

Speaking of friends...they are amazing.  These last almost two months, I've really found out who matters in my life.  The ones who came over to watch a movie with me and hold me all night while I cried my eyes out (Matt, I love you); the ones who brought over chick flicks and action movies alike so I could idealize love and watch some serious blood and explosions (Heather, Rachel, and Sean, you are amazing); the roommates who helped me to bed when I was scared, almost used after too much to drink and angry to the point that I decked the sunuvabitch (Dea and Meg, you are the best).  There were ones who had laundry parties with ice cream (Melissa, you are the dynamic in our duo), the ones who broke radio silence for a workout (Austen, you are bueno nacho sir), and the ones who smile at me knowingly and support my failings at Adobe Premiere (Kyle, thank you for everything).

And now, now it's time to go to Estes Park with my family, including my brother and Tessa, and refind my zen that went away with two little emails and phone calls. 

Whirlwind

Back in school.  Crazy times of it, rough weekend, great experiences...busy busy busy!!  Will tell more later.

"you turn around and a month's gone by, and you realize you haven't cried...I get a little bit stronger."  Haven't heard from you in two weeks.  I don't know how to feel about this.  More thoughts on this later...

First date tonight with a guy who works with my roommate Dea.  His name is Arick.  Good lord I fail at keeping my resolutions to not date...oops.  Don't particularly care though.  Here's hoping for a good evening!

100% on my first Spanish quiz.  Drill Sargent in Military Training this morning (day 1 survived): "Wow, you're in really good shape...and really flexible."  Loving all my classes so far.

I am so so so busy, but I love it.  Ziva and I go out every night for a run, and I feel like I'm managing my schedule well.

My great grandma is in the hospital right now, so we're all praying our hearts out for a quick and easy recovery.  Evelyn is just like us Sullivan girls, tough as nails and tenacious.  We love her so much.

Bad Dog

Thankfully, I did not come home to our couches torn to bits.  However, Ziva is entering the demonic almost-8 months old stage...

Saturday, it was the toilet paper I just bought.  Luckily, she only tore 4 of the 24 rolls before she got bored.
Yesterday, it was a water bottle someone had left out on the couch.

Tonight, though....tonight, Ziva Abigail Lyke truly surpassed herself.

She took a book off of my bedside table, and I came home to this scene in the entry way...

but not just any book...

not one of my cheap-o paperbacks...

not an old notebook...
no no no...

She tore apart a  library book.  One that is not mine...one that someone else wanted to enjoy too...one that I am now going to have to explain to our librarian as to why it is no longer going to grace their shelves.

Unfortunately, because of the weather, Ziva has not been out for her runs today or yesterday, but just brief walks.  So I suppose the energy has to go somewhere...I just wish it was on something that was MINE and not borrowed!

I'm having another lost couple of days.  I don't know how to describe these days beyond lost...I keep busy, but my mind is somewhere else...my eyes are searching the horizons for answers...my heart is heavy with the memories and possibilities and hopes and the gentle ache that seems to be almost constant now.

These are the days where even though I know it's going to be OK, that life has a reason for all of this...these are the days where all I can do is put on foot in front of the other and keep pushing on because I know I have to.  I keep moving on because it's all I know how to do.  It's all I can do.

I don't know what else to do.

So I work out, so I study my ASVAB and Spanish, I play with Dammit-Ziva, I look into Army National Guard and Air Force Reserves, anything to keep me walking down this path.

A little bit stronger

Realization: The passion with which I love is put into the rest of my life too.

Meaning: The loyalty, diligence, attentiveness, and effort I am willing to invest into my goals, school, and work will get me places.


Manifestation: Military physical training M-W-F, gymnastics T-Th, 2x daily walk/runs with Ziva, studying Spanish, attending a networking event in Denver (Feb 17), 36hours/week at work

I'm getting a little bit stronger.  For the first time, I'm not moving on to someone else, to another man...I'm moving on to me, myself, and my life.


I don't think I'm going to date for a while.  I'm going to be so busy this semester with 18 credits, work, and Ziva that I just don't want to invest the time into it.  I also know that most of the men I know aren't what I'm looking for in a relationship, and trying to mesh where they are/want with where I am/want is just asking for the same problems I've been having.  It's changing my approach to the situation to change the results (ie what's the one common element? me.)

The new semester is about a week away.  I'm excited for it.  I'm ready for it. 

Royal Advice

“The world is not the most pleasant place. Eventually your parents leave you and nobody is going to go out of their way to protect you unconditionally. You need to learn to 

stand up for yourself and what you believe and sometimes, pardon my language, kick some ass.”  

    -Queen Elizabeth II

 (with Ronald Reagan 1980)

Strong.  Assured.  Poised.  Confident.  Action despite trepidation.  A woman puts one foot in front of the other even when everything seems wrong.  A woman is beautiful even when she's lost.

I'm happy.  Truly happy with life.  I have no idea what's going to happen in my future, just hopes and a goal to get to daily, monthly, yearly, on and on.  One step at a time toward the horizon.  I'm lonely.  I want the dreams I had of us, but I'm content with the dreams I've had of myself, my dog, and our own life.  With or without someone, I am strong.  I am happy.

le nouveau an

Welcome to the future, one day at a time.

I get overwhelmed sometimes, thinking about where I'm going to be in the future...where I want to be.  I want to know that everything that's happened, and is happening, will have the desired effects and it will all work out.  I'm trying to worry less about then and focus on NOW. 

Ziva and I took another run through the park today; she did 3 miles and I did a second circuit totaling 6 miles.  I added some ab work on my (adopted from Meg) exercise ball after an upper body and flexibility workout last night.  I'm trying to finish each day with a good stretch before bed, to clear my head and calm my heart.

I need school to start; I have so much free time right now.  I've been reading non-stop, watching movies, working out for hours, working more as well, and I still have too much time.  I realized that even working full time, with a daily run and reading time, a lot of puppy time, and friend time still leaves me with a lot of free time. 
Good, in part, but bad for my dwelling thoughts that I try to get rid of.  I'm getting better about it.

Today's happy: running with Ziva, trying to fit me in a box at work (did not work), and a phone call from Adam, who is safely back in a snowy (!!) California.


Advice:

"The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason why you held on so long."