"So if I go left on 136th, it'll take me all the way to the interwebz?....INTERSTATE I mean."

We don't have cable at our house; none of us are home consistently enough to catch any of the shows we watch as they air, nor am I around to watch any news but CNN or FOX (Heaven help me.)

My roommates have had Netflix for as long as I've known them: instant online streaming and DVDs by mail.
So I decided to start. A free month trial, after that, $10 a month for unlimited movies and internet access.  Uhm, yes?!



So my old homework time has been replaced by movies and the TV show Scrubs.

Best part?  They have every season.  And EVERY season of NCIS.  AND SO MANY MOVIES.

So hello new social life!  I haven't been out with my friends as much because I usually work past when they have plans.  Ziva and I go walk, then we cuddle up and watch some flicks.

Dea and I went to Heather's graduation party last night.  I'm going to miss her so much, but her job with Metcalf Archeology (way to go!!) will keep her 9 days in the field and 5 days out.  She may be our guest some of those days.
While in Thornton, we all went to Krispy Kreme, which is my secret (ahem) addiction.  I came home with 3 dozen donuts, and we brought Dea into the religion of the Glazed.

While giving Dea directions back to I-25, the culture of LOLCats was observed in the interwebz, which the TomTom GPS corrected us as "motorway".  INTERSTATE.

We had some talks about our past relationships, the situation we're in now, and the whole she-bang.  How first and foremost, I need to work on myself.  I don't need someone to love me to love myself.  That's the only way I'll ever fix what happened.

I really enjoyed this quote from Scrubs' Dr. Cox character:

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line is: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."


 I'm usually the one who stands up.  I'm usually the one who won't be taken down.  And soon, with some work and a whole lot of luck, I'll say something.  God will help me through all of this, and give me the strength I need to stand up and speak.

Goals

It's the end of another semester.  In seven months, I will be done with a lease, and unsure of my future.

So that part isn't new at all.

What is new is that I can no longer afford my school.  So that gives me a few options, transfer to Metro State, which is cheaper, take a semester off to save, get a private loan with huge interest rates...either way, it's all debt and more time for my degree.

I lose close to a year's worth of credits because of my specialty classes for my journalism and upper division classes if I transfer unfortunately.

Looking at the facts, I'm looking to moving up my enlistment to next year, preferably next spring.  I have carefully been considering enlisting for over a year, and I'm meeting with both Army and Air Force reserve representatives.  The gist is after Basic and Advanced training, I would come home and serve a weekend a month plus two weeks a year, working around a school schedule.  They will then be paying for school, as well as covering a portion to all of my loans.  I will receive job training in Advanced training (I'm looking to go in for a position among the branch's journalism crews), health benefits, and pay for my services.

The job experience alone will be invaluable, but the lack of worry about paying for school, the monthly pay to help with rent, and feeling of commitment and service are great benefits.  It's a direction, a purpose.

I'd have to be without my little girl for the duration of training, but I'll be able to come back stronger for my pup.  Let's face it, this dog is like my child, and I'm doing the things to best help our life together.  She's the only one who sticks around for me, and I'm going to provide for us.

Basically nothing is set in stone yet (is it ever?) but there's at least a direction.  I like directions.
I like goals too.  I have them.

Strength is a family trait.  The strength to make tough choices, to carry on when our world crashes down.  In the last 6 weeks, we've bounced from disaster to pain to hell.  The stress being stalked and harassed gave me ruined a large portion of my life.  I could barely get out of bed most days, scared out of my mind that this would be the day he followed me home, depressed that this was my reality.  I was upset all the time, but hellbent on not letting this piece of trash win.
In the end, he did.  The effects on me made me unbearable, and I lost the man I was falling in love with.  I am not proud of this; I'm devastated that I let this happen. 

At the same time, this may be for the best.  I need a man as strong as I am, as able to cope as my Dad and Mom, my Grammie and Grandpa.  I need someone who will give me themselves as much as I give myself to them.  If Arick can be that man for me, then he will be.  If not, I don't blame him.  Loving a woman like me is a hard thing to do.

Someday, someone will think I'm worth it.  Until then, I have the most amazing family, friends, and dog I could have ever asked for.  They challenge me and support me, love me unconditionally, and sometimes hold me when all I can do is cry. (Matt, Heather, Rachel, Dea, Melissa, Joey...you are amazing)

I guess what I'm saying is God will guide me and my life.  I have goals, and I'm getting good at picking myself up off the floor and holding fast to my values.

I'll make a good soldier, a good citizen, a good daughter, friend, and maybe lover someday.

I will make my mark.  And I will make you proud.