Goals

It's the end of another semester.  In seven months, I will be done with a lease, and unsure of my future.

So that part isn't new at all.

What is new is that I can no longer afford my school.  So that gives me a few options, transfer to Metro State, which is cheaper, take a semester off to save, get a private loan with huge interest rates...either way, it's all debt and more time for my degree.

I lose close to a year's worth of credits because of my specialty classes for my journalism and upper division classes if I transfer unfortunately.

Looking at the facts, I'm looking to moving up my enlistment to next year, preferably next spring.  I have carefully been considering enlisting for over a year, and I'm meeting with both Army and Air Force reserve representatives.  The gist is after Basic and Advanced training, I would come home and serve a weekend a month plus two weeks a year, working around a school schedule.  They will then be paying for school, as well as covering a portion to all of my loans.  I will receive job training in Advanced training (I'm looking to go in for a position among the branch's journalism crews), health benefits, and pay for my services.

The job experience alone will be invaluable, but the lack of worry about paying for school, the monthly pay to help with rent, and feeling of commitment and service are great benefits.  It's a direction, a purpose.

I'd have to be without my little girl for the duration of training, but I'll be able to come back stronger for my pup.  Let's face it, this dog is like my child, and I'm doing the things to best help our life together.  She's the only one who sticks around for me, and I'm going to provide for us.

Basically nothing is set in stone yet (is it ever?) but there's at least a direction.  I like directions.
I like goals too.  I have them.

Strength is a family trait.  The strength to make tough choices, to carry on when our world crashes down.  In the last 6 weeks, we've bounced from disaster to pain to hell.  The stress being stalked and harassed gave me ruined a large portion of my life.  I could barely get out of bed most days, scared out of my mind that this would be the day he followed me home, depressed that this was my reality.  I was upset all the time, but hellbent on not letting this piece of trash win.
In the end, he did.  The effects on me made me unbearable, and I lost the man I was falling in love with.  I am not proud of this; I'm devastated that I let this happen. 

At the same time, this may be for the best.  I need a man as strong as I am, as able to cope as my Dad and Mom, my Grammie and Grandpa.  I need someone who will give me themselves as much as I give myself to them.  If Arick can be that man for me, then he will be.  If not, I don't blame him.  Loving a woman like me is a hard thing to do.

Someday, someone will think I'm worth it.  Until then, I have the most amazing family, friends, and dog I could have ever asked for.  They challenge me and support me, love me unconditionally, and sometimes hold me when all I can do is cry. (Matt, Heather, Rachel, Dea, Melissa, Joey...you are amazing)

I guess what I'm saying is God will guide me and my life.  I have goals, and I'm getting good at picking myself up off the floor and holding fast to my values.

I'll make a good soldier, a good citizen, a good daughter, friend, and maybe lover someday.

I will make my mark.  And I will make you proud.